


Of Save Files and Lost Memories

by EriiErii



Category: Fire Emblem Heroes, Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: F/M, M/M, Past Character Death, Past Lives, Past Relationship(s), Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-23 05:09:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20237266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EriiErii/pseuds/EriiErii
Summary: When we play a game, we start a file. We play it for as long as we want, forget it, and start a new file all over again. Sometimes that game even swaps hands to completely different players. But what happens when a player character remembers every time they lived through the start of a new file, and remembers still how their past lives played out through different play styles, branching paths, and a major glitch? Kiran reflects on the multiple lives she lived and lost prior to her current life spent happily married to Takumi.





	Of Save Files and Lost Memories

"Kiran! Hurry up and go to bed! You're not gonna make me drag you to bed from the Records Hall again, are you?!"

I looked up from the book spread out in my hands. Has it really been that long? Then again, with the halls lit exclusively by torchlight, I shouldn't be surprised after all how easy it was to lose track of time.

"Kiraaaan! Where the hell are you now?!" I could hear Takumi's voice echoing from my left. Despite his protests, I held doubts he searched all that long for how close he was to the entrance of the halls. His footsteps rang throughout, rushing in different directions before coming back to the left, right where he started. With the walls lined in either books, scrolls, murals, or statues of heroes past, I couldn't entirely blame him for being easily disoriented.

It was like that for me too. At first, anyways. I remember I used to hate it here, but back then, I was naive. It was before this place became the only thing keeping me sane, reminding me the memories I had were real, even if only within these halls.

My fingers traced along the pages, records etched over relationships the army collectively gained, then lost, then gained again. Even my records of what I loved and let go were there. They were all that remained of it.

In another time, Xander would call just like you would, Takumi. He may not show it openly in his looks like you do, but he couldn't hide the creeping worry in his voice. In another time, it would've been your brother tearing through these halls instead. He would know deep down I was safe, but anxieties plagued Ryoma more than he would ever admit openly, and it would nip at his heels until he found me no matter how much he tried to tell himself things should be fine. Niles and Camilla would've been far calmer of reading me like I read these books, and they were quick to know just the right place to look and just the mood I'd be in when they find me.

"_There you are!_"

But no matter how long you'd take, Takumi, this was still better than the times there was nobody who cared to come find me at all. 

I watched the way your eyes lit up and ran up to me in realization I was a real person and not yet another statue in a sea of bookshelves and records. You were cranky and frustrated a moment ago, like the part of you everyone knew you best for. But the moment we locked eyes, your demeanor softened heavily into a bright-eyed, cheerful smile in your relief. It was a part of you only your siblings and I got to see. It made you more adorable than you had patience to let me admit in public.

It was also bittersweet sometimes for reasons I was never brave enough to tell you.

"Why didn't you call out or anything?! Wait, don't tell me, you _like_ seeing me run around in circles and get lost in this place, right? Hmph." 

As usual, you tried to act tougher than you were. You tried to pretend to be angrier than you felt right up to when you pulled me against you and held me hostage with an onslaught of nuzzling and fussing. But I knew you were only pretending. When you were _truly_ upset, you would've changed to a completely different person. It made me feel worse sometimes of the "you" who was here with me.

"Well, tough. You can't hide from me. After being with you, I feel like I know my way around here more than I do with the whole of Shirasagi." 

I smiled, moreso when you kissed me on the cheek. I felt like I didn't deserve someone like you before, but if you knew the truth, you wouldn't be speaking so freely to me like this. Was I being selfish? Perhaps.

"Look, history is nice and all, but it's not like the the books are gonna run away overnight. Get your ass to bed already, it's cold without you."

"Even with all the blankets?" I knew what he meant, but I had my own fun teasing him a little.

"Not the same!" Even when he huffed in impatience, a part of this was like a game to him too. "Oh whatever, I gave you a chance to come willingly, but you leave me no choice!"

I had to give you credit, despite your looks, you were deceptively stronger than you often gave yourself credit for. It took you very little time to switch from hugging me to picking me up bridal style. If not just because now you had me at your mercy, I know this was also your way to prove to yourself how strong you were.

"Hah! Haha! Hahaha got you now! Come on!" 

I liked this side of you. This part of you wasn't afraid to just be you, no matter how stronger or weaker you thought you were compared to your siblings. I gave up to you with a smile, resting my head against your chest. To hear your heart beating this time comforted me against the times it stopped.

Just as you moved on your way, settled with you winning over me in the battle of going home, I saw him stand out to me no matter how far away he was from us. Kamui was right there, having his own struggles going to bed willingly without Niles picking him up and carrying him off just like you did for me, Takumi. 

I wonder if he knows. I wonder if he got it from me. How much were we cut from the same cloth now, and where do we differ? Perhaps I thought too much of it while he, of course, was sprawled cutely all over Niles like he didn't have a care in the world other than for him.

It made me miss Niles in some ways, but I knew those days were gone now. For me at least.

When it came to sleeping, it was like time flowed naturally to get ready and settle. But where you slept quickly and heavily, I felt as if time stood still for me all over again. I couldn't escape that feeling no matter what I tried.

While you slept, the rest of the world forgotten for your world of dreams, I was left with memories of past worlds. Did it really count as past lifetimes? I barely understand much of it myself as it is. Sometimes I use that to my advantage. To talk to you without talking. To air these thoughts out, knowing you won't remember it in the morning anyways. It's better that way.

Kiran... That was my name now, but not originally. The truth was, I had many names. Kamui and Corrin were among the most common I had, but it wasn't always the name I was saddled with, just like now.

I remember when there _was_ no distinction between me or the Kamui currently in bed with Niles elsewhere. I remembered when I was the child of the first dragon, the time I had the power to become a dragon myself. When I first met you, I was a girl named Corrin who was fascinated by the world around me with little regard to consequences. Even then I was vaguely aware that even if people like you fell around me in battle, I could keep fighting, knowing you could come right back to me just like everyone else immediately after, refreshed and ready to help me. It was the same for all of us. But then I couldn't remember much of that life. I remembered a choice, but not my actual decision. That life came as quick as it went, and my memories of that time faded beyond feelings of boredom and laziness.

Then I became a man. It was the first time I was named Kamui instead. It was then my optimism shattered completely when I learned to become more aware of the weight of everyone around me falling in battle. When they fell, there was no more bouncing back from it this time. Even outside of battle, I remembered causing you so much pain, to you, your family, and your friends. I was much more compliant to Garon's whims, but even when I held a hand in your misery and loss, I couldn't count how many times my mind rattled on why I did this. Why I allowed that to get so far. What was I thinking? Even now I didn't know...

The next few times, I think I completely stopped caring. I don't even really remember what my name was in those times. The goal wasn't necessarily to bring peace to Hoshido, Nohr or otherwise, but to win as fast as possible...whatever it meant to "win". I didn't care as much or take as much time to prepare all that extensively to fortify my army back then. I took whoever was willing to have me as soon as possible, and I only cared to achieve my goals in as short an amount of time as possible, no matter who I lost along the way. The victory was as short-lived and hallow as how my life came to an end after.

There was one life I remembered I cared too much. Like you do for me now, there was a time Felicia was always there for me from the start. I gave in to sticking by her side and tying the knot with her, but it was once again a time when death still weighed heavier. I was careless. I remembered how my life partially stopped and started over and over, how I would start in the same position and the same goal, but with countless of battle plans that all ended in her death, one way or another. In the end, the loop that bound me to that cruel fate finally stopped, but even now, I still find it hard to look to Felicia the same way again.

There were lifetimes I completely shut myself out of being attached to anyone. I still couldn't tell if those times were me atoning for my failures, or were perhaps a whim of another sort. I watched the rest of the world find love and have kids and continue on their way through battle, yet again without fear their lover would be gone for long even after falling in battle. But I stayed away from all of it.

I felt you shift in your sleep. I heard you muttering something, but your voice was too hushed to understand. I gave you a moment to settle, just to make sure you didn't suffer a nightmare again to wake you up from. For now, you were content to shift more against me in your sleep, until your cheek was pressed against my chest. 

I learned long ago you wouldn't remember those lifetimes. None of you would. Maybe that was for the best, Takumi. For all the weight you already had on your shoulders from _this_ world, I can imagine how much worse your nightmares would get if you remembered what I do. 

The life before this one was the worst of it. Maybe in light of it, perhaps it wasn't so impossible after all to think that my life would be cut loose from Kamui's right after. I remembered feeling powerful in that life. So powerful that nothing could touch me, and anything that tried to harm me would kill themselves on impact. It was a power that extended to my whole army eventually, including you. We were untouchable. Gold was plentiful as to be literally infinite, and my convoy was filled with a similarly infinite supply of every weapon, remedy, crest and valuable imaginable. Even when my name became something none of us could comprehend or pronounce, I felt like I had the power to take control of my life for once that not even a dragon could compare to.

At least... it was fun to kid myself at first. There was a reason not even Anankos could compare with that power we all had. It was so powerful as to become _too_ powerful, like it was breaking the whole universe little by little. At first, it began with little things. I could hear screeching in my head or from a distance whose source I could neither describe nor identify. I thought I could ignore the way bits of our surrounding area changed, like patches of snow appearing over a desert or when a tree hung upside-down in the hot springs somehow. But then it escalated until the damage was far too late to stop. The world washed away in a sea of distorted, blocky colors, and for the first time in all my deaths before, I became aware of the ways my body seized up while my limbs shredded away into tiny, colorful particles.

Things weren't quite the same after. In this life now, my life took the most drastic turn of all. Now Kamui was his own person, perhaps a better person than I. No longer did I have the power of the first dragons or the approval of the Yato. This time, I had a gun, Breidablik. I was surprised I even knew what it was or how to describe it, but I did. Maybe such was the way it went when a weapon chooses you. At least, I remembered Xander mentioning it once.

But while Kamui was free to live the life best for him, to bring a better future for Hoshido, Nohr and Valla than I could, I wasn't quite as free. I didn't have the same familiarity with all of you now like I did in my previous lives. Where you all treated me like family between welcoming arms and eagerness to give me advice, now there were only suspicious glares and harsh whispers as you all tried to guess my intentions with Kamui. I didn't let all of your losses and pain go to waste. I did my best to guide Kamui around pitfalls and traps that I paid far too terrible a price once before in trying to learn to do the same. And yet, even still, it wasn't enough I spared Ryoma the loss of Scarlet or prevented needless deaths of Fuga's people. None of them trusted me even right up to Kamui taking the throne of Valla with Azura's blessing, or to lift the curse that prevented such a name to be spoken so freely like this in the first place. My only support had been Alfonse, Sharena and Anna, faces I knew I _should_ find familiar, but people I felt pained I feel I knew far less than I should, especially for people as sweet as Sharena.

"Mermphrmph... how...dare.... die... diiiiie...."

I snapped out of my thoughts. You were starting to get restless again. Your breaths picked up and you were trembling in my embrace, from anger or pain, I couldn't tell. You were slowly in the grips of a nightmare again. 

"Takumi... wake up. Come on, it's ok." I shook you by the shoulder. At first, I was soft in hesitance, but as your breaths picked up more alongside your chanting for death, my shaking grew firm. I could feel the way you went from struggling against something to a sudden shift as you panicked seeing the room around you.

"Where- Kiran-?! Wha- I- ha-!"

You were nearly breathless when you finally came to. You jumped on me and felt all over my chest up to my face, but I patiently let you. I was long since used to the way you tried to reassure yourself following a nightmare. 

"You're... you're ok... T-that's... you're ok..."

I rubbed your shoulder to ease you. I felt you rest your head against my chest, but thought little of you listening to my heartbeat. Once again I let the memories of past lives fade in favor of the worries of this life with you.

"...H-haha... it's stupid, you know? To keep getting worked up on dumb nightmares like this, I mean." 

"Is it really that dumb? You can't help how it affects you."

"I _guess._" At least it was a good sign you still kept your spirit up this time, but the way your breaths were still rough gave away how much your latest nightmare left you shaken up.

"...You remember that Nohrian scum king from before? Not Xander, you know who I mean. I dreamt that he barged into the throne room and turned into this weird dragon. It was almost like the dusk dragon in a lot of ways... He told me all these lies about you, how you'd turn on us and how you were only using us to power your weapon."

"Do you believe him?" I did remember times similar to this, but I held my tongue. Maybe I was selfish to make my question more loaded than you think.

"Hell no! Of course not! And I said as much, too." 

You had more trust in me than I deserved.

In fact... that's what surprised me the most of this lifetime. Out of anyone, you used to always trust me the least, even as I got closer to you and tried getting to know you. Even in lifetimes I served by your side. And yet this time, you were the only one to trust me the most without question besides Sharena.

But as proudly as you declared your trust in me, I could feel the way you lost heart right after.

"...But... when I said that, he brought you out. He killed you on the spot right in front of me. I don't know what came over me, but I was overwhelmed with this aura that made me feel like a faceless. All I cared about was tearing him limb from limb with my arrows, but Fujin Yumi didn't feel right in my hands somehow..."

"It's not true now, Takumi. It's all just a dream." Like always, I was content to let the truth fade. If it died along with me, so be it.

"...Do you think I'm capable of that kind of thing? Turning all...faceless-y I mean..."

"It was just a dream." Again, I pushed aside thoughts you could, and did, become just like that once. The important thing was at least this time, you were spared such a fate. "It could mean anything." 

"But you saw it before, didn't you?"

I took pause. Surely I was jumping to conclusions thinking what you were trying to imply. I only heard what I wanted to hear, but I knew you probably didn't mean it that way.

"Saw what exactly?" I tried to play dumb. What surprised me was you were serious after all. You pulled yourself away to loom over me.

"Maybe my dream wasn't true now, but... somehow, you saw something like that, right? Or you went through something worse."

I hesitated to answer. It was as if I briefly forgot how to speak. You knew me far too well what it meant, which only served to frustrate you more.

"...Is that why you like going to the Records Hall so much? Because you saw how differently things could turn out... I asked around about it, but I was warned I couldn't see the same things you could in there, no matter how much I tried..."

I still held my tongue. If I confirmed what I knew, you'd resent me. You'd lose all your trust in me the one time I felt you put your whole faith in me without question. Given everything leading up to now, perhaps I deserved worse. Maybe you knew deep down what was running through my mind, because you looked resigned in taking my silence as an answer.

Which surprised me again when, following a heavy sigh, you kissed me. I fully expected you to storm off, yet you remained firmly by my side.

"...Did you _ really _ think I don't pretend to fall asleep before you do sometimes? Or did you think I was bad at acting?"

My heart sank. I felt a rising panic of what you heard versus what must be running in your head. I should've suspected as much the subtle differences of you telling me your "nightmare", but it was too late to take it all back.

And yet, you simply sighed again and held me tight, as if you expected me to run away instead.

"...I just wish you could've told me all this to my face, you know? That I didn't have to trick you like this to find out you were hurting all this time..."

"And what of the times where I betrayed you and killed you? After you put so much trust in me now?"

"Iunno." He shrugged. Not exactly the answer I was hoping for, especially when delivered so casually. "How does that compare to how you helped us so much in _ this _ life? You didn't turn on me. You didn't turn on Kamui either. That's good enough for me to keep trusting you."

Maybe it wasn't as simple after all as you were putting it, but by then I was too tired to argue the point. You knew that too. 

"So go to bed already, will you?" You went right back to being playful yet bossy, as if you didn't have a worry or care despite a moment ago. At least, at first.

"And... promise me that in the morning, you can take it from the top, will you? I want to hear everything, and _ not _so late at night this time!"

Maybe I underestimated you. Maybe I didn't trust you as well as you trusted me before. But I wasn't about to let this offer go.

"Ok..."

"Good! Now seriously, go to bed!"

However long _ this _ life lasts, I'm glad to spend it with you this time.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! For post updates, questions, art and general random silliness in between, check me out at eriisaam.tumblr.com for more!


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